A Journal Discovered Among the Papers of Thomas Kjar  


I can't think of a more foolish person than myself. Sometimes I believe everything is ruined, everything has been decimated. That all of this effort has been for nothing. That it has not been worth the pain and sacrifice. All in all, it has been a thoroughly miserable existence; a thoroughly dispiriting and demoralizing affair.

I can be lifted up for a time then go crashing down again. Sometimes I think I got very bent over on the other side of things.

Didn't want to get satiated in this tiny circle of experience. Didn't want to get bogged down in the loneliness that I saw looming ahead when I was younger. Didn't want to get bogged down in family problems. I was always afraid of getting thrown back on the trashheap in a manner of speaking. Didn't want to get mesmerized by my own opinions.

October 1, 2002
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